misfits fic: 'erase (and rewind)'

[merrymelody]

Simon/Nathan, Simon/Alisha

A03 link



Chapter 1: Curtis

In some ways it's hardest with Curtis.

There's so much pain ahead of him, but no way to avoid it.

He's the most important because to protect him is to protect Alisha; and he's the least important, because Simon can't bring himself to so much as save Nikki for him.

He wants to, or rather, he wants to want to, but he's aware that every time the gun is aimed at Nathan's chest, he warns him and lets Nikki fall.

In penance, he always starts each loop by searching every local theatre group and university until he finds Lola. He feels guilty afterwards, but not as much as he should.

He doesn't feel even slightly guilty at what he does to the sports trainer.

Chapter 2: Kelly

Kelly's the safest, the one closest to a happy ending, and therefore the one Simon is most afraid of approaching.

He needs her separate from the others, so she can approach Seth without tempting the others. This is harder than expected.

He briefly considers trying to push her to Curtis. His manouevring of Nikki and Curtis feels cruel, knowing Nikki has so little time; but remembering that Alisha's is only months more hardens his resolve.

Alisha and Kelly weren't dangerously close, but his demand that Alisha tell no-one about him aids in creating a small barrier between them.

He calls in an animal spotting from the borough furthest from Thamesmead, hoping to distract police as much as possible, so that she stays with the gorilla, away from as much conflict as possible.

The only weak link is her closeness to Nathan.

He relies on Nathan to do at least some of the destruction of his and Kelly’s relationship himself, destruction being his speciality.

As for himself, he twists the knife a little more every time the tattoos play out, this time a little more vulnerable, that shyly interested; trying to work out which combination can cause the indomitable Kelly to falter, which reaction will leave Nathan with more to prove, which will blow their budding romance to smithereens most effectively.

He doesn't need the hoodie and armour often for Kelly, stays on rooftops as much as possible, out of her range. He tails her to Vince's, shame rising as Vince kisses her. Sometimes it's more.
Those loops he returns later, rubbing peanut oil on the surfaces, hiding the epipens, disconnecting the phone.

A few times, Vince catches him lurking. He's amused in a dry way to see his own matching tattoo those times. Alisha's curled lip at his and Nathan's endearments, part sentimental, part pornographic, is as beautiful on her as adoration, as it keeps her safer a little longer. For some reason in this timeline, she often survives up to three more months.

Sometimes he thinks he could happily sacrifice Kelly for her, that Alisha and even Nathan, both beautiful and cruel from the beginning, meant so much more to him with so little effort, but it's bad enough that he's let Curtis down.

Every time he considers it, he remembers Kelly reaching out to comfort him, before the others, before anyone, and he can't help but be happy for her: saving children, laughing with Seth, eating Pot Noodles. Even in the loops where Alisha bleeds out; where he dies in her arms; where Curtis ends his wasted potential in a dirty quarry, a bullet in his head; where Nathan is caged in a coffin or a cell or his own mortality.

He thinks maybe that's what she deserves.

Chapter 3: Nathan

Simon is used to regarding Nathan as the most expendable element in his planning. A loop in which one of the other three die is an automatic cleaning of the slate, but for obvious reasons, Nathan is exempt.

The hardest loop is ironically the first, the only one Nathan needs to fulfil in order for them to advance, the only one in which a fall is inevitable, in which a death must be purchased.

Sometimes he still saves him, though.

Without Nathan discovering his powers, the loops become longer, and Simon isn't sure if he's imagining it, but crueller, as if fate is rebelling at the shapes he's twisting it in.

A clutched hand, sweaty and rain drenched, splashes of blood from Rachel below (Simon never tires of watching that, remembering Alisha's jumpsuit turning rust every time), a grateful 'you saved me, Barry', usually results in even swifter deaths for Alisha, for Curtis, for Kelly, and of course, Nathan himself.

After some loops, he pushes him off the roof himself, and sometimes he swears Nathan jumps.

*

This time around, the car explodes, and he arrives seconds too late, to watch Nathan burn up with his brother.

He always hates to see Jamie and Lily go, both so young and beautiful, everything ahead of them, but the risks are too great. Nikki was bad enough, but with Jamie around, it alters too many factors.

Waiting for the loop to reset, he leaves a few presents for one Mike Young, estranged father of two, now father of none.

Nothing too vindictive - a burnt jacket, a few photos. The crime scene shots were relatively easy, but it took a lot of effort to find baby photographs of Nathan, and more challengingly, Jamie, who's last name he never found out. They set each other off beautifully, though, and he thinks the effort was worth the gesture.

He's tempted to let Nathan's mother know she no longer has to choose between her son and her dog, but he got out his spite with her at the eighth funeral loop, and now he's content to leave it. Sometimes he watches her faint a few times watching her dead son enter the house, but he rarely chuckles anymore.

He tries not to linger on the ecstasy loop for long, though, as if he lingers it tends to deviate in odder ways than usual. Alisha's fate always seems to be bullets when it's Jamie's death he's entering at, but the night itself also shifts from his first blurred memories:

Seeing Alisha's face twist in pain as he pushes her away, repelled.

Hearing Kelly's slurred insults: 'Sometimes, right, I think I'm scared of you, mate, you ain't right in the head' is particularly biting, based as it is entirely on truth.

Watching Curtis' eyes shutter as he watches the stranger he doesn't yet recognise as Nikki die, again and again, stuck in his own trip.

On several goes, Nathan fucks him in the bathroom. It saves both his injuries from the explosion, and Nathan from the fiery trauma of watching his brother burn; and so on a practical level is by far the most beneficial outcome of that night.

The first time it felt strange, a betrayal of Alisha, even though at this point in time, she's still with Curtis.

He's come to admit though, that if he knew she'd be safe, he'd happily stay here, eyes tightly shut, listening to an Irish lilt rambling in his ear: 'you don't know how long I've wanted you' and 'I feel like I've never seen you before, how did I miss you?'

Chapter 4: Alisha-and-Nathan

Simon has hundreds of photographs. Hours of video footage. Only two matter.

The photo in Vegas, and the clip of Alisha on the news.

He studies them again and again, tries to memorise them, to date the footage. His future self is clearly aware that he would do this - the news footage has been painstakingly recorded onto VHS, making it impossible to register a specific time and date.

The photograph is equally mysterious - there's no data saved, although he knows from the picture quality that it wasn't taken with his mobile phone.

He and Alisha look the same, he already owns the shirt in the photograph, and the night sky means he can't even guess at a month.

It takes him a long time to progress far enough that he discovers Nathan is in Vegas with them at the time.

Once he realises this, his window of opportunity visibly shrinks. They need to have finished community service and they need money. There are fewer and fewer spaces in time where he can make a change if he wants to stop them selling their powers.

Curtis told him at one time or another that some loops are darker than others.

Simon likes to think of himself as practical, more so than Curtis, who is ethical and admirable, and therefore the least closest of his friends. It's a rare loop with nothing to offer, nothing to give.

Usually if Alisha's dead, Simon-there is too, for example.

Brian's is a loop he can find little good in, but ironically, this seems to be the time he has most potential to change, perhaps because it's the calm before Alisha lies to him, they visit Seth, and it all goes to shit.

+

In the hotel, Simon does what he can to prompt the inevitable. But to be honest, he doesn't have to work nearly as hard as he thought he would.

He contrives a reason to share the room, knowing Nathan will recall it as long as a goldfish, if he even asks.

He stocks antibiotics and condoms, with a small cringe. He struggles with his hair out of part. An STD, even one soon to be cured, turns his stomach, but it's a relief to feel the disgust again. It feels more of a betrayal in the loops where he enjoys it.

He sneaks outside and tells the most enthusiastic girls the room number of the immortal guy. Unnecessarily, Nathan needs no assistance in seeking attention or company, but while he's distracted and sex-hazed, he's easier to manipulate.

It also diverts attention from the others. Kelly amuses herself on chat shows, and Curtis enjoys his name in the newspapers again, but Simon's aware if Alisha isn't of the dangers of invisibility and lust powers being made public.

The last thing he needs if he has to take action are people wondering where he was.

While Nathan's fucked out and then pursuing poor Daisy, he works in Brian's room. He's concerned, he knows the man had a girl with him the night before, and he doesn't want for anyone else to get caught in the crossfire. From his research, he's determined that Brian seems to have nofamily, so on balance it's a risk worth taking, but it still niggles.

A little.

*

He and Nathan are sharing the king size. He argues on the grounds that if three girls can fit, he's hardly likely to take up space, and besides, it's orthopaedic.

Nathan acquiesces quickly: 'You're an orthopaed, Barry. Fine, but no sticking your hard-on up against my back all night, I'm not that kind of girl.'

He takes off his trousers. His old self, pale and a little clumsy. It won't matter to Nathan, but it does a little, to him. He's not the man Alisha loves, yet.

Sharing a bed and taking off your clothes isn't one of his subtlest tactics, but that's not an approach anyone every had to take with Nathan Young.

When there's an hour before Alisha's due, he suggests the minibar to Nathan's enthusiastic consent, trying to measure carefully. The way Nathan drinks, he doesn't want him passed out before they can begin.

Nathan is joyously crowing about his cock's restoration to health, and he doubts it will take an hour or to be honest, ten minutes, but he doesn't count his chickens until they hatch.

He stuck a few packets of mentholated sweets in the fridge ahead of time, prompting inevitable mimes and then equally inevitable demonstrations.

If all fails, he has his cameraphone, knowing how much Nathan loves an audience.

It hurts to watch Alisha's face fall when she opens the unlocked door to them, but it's the most successful loop in some time in terms of measurable return.

He saves Alisha, and as a bonus, Kelly, who accompanied her tearful exit.

Curtis is still safe, and while he’d considered the knife in the stomach a risk worth taking, it seems that not finding the girls has caused Brian to retreat back to his booby-trapped room. He knows it’s stupid, but he feels hope rise, just a little. Maybe he’s finally cracked it.

It’s then he sees Nathan’s shoe in the hallway.

Simon has seen Nathan die hundreds of times, in dozens of ways.

He’s seen his friend take bullets to the chest, chainsaws to the bollocks and once a porcelain toilet to the head, and he’s mostly learn to be okay with it. Seeing him here, like this, is wrong, though, in a way he only felt the first time he saw the shard of glass in Rachel’s hand curve towards Alisha's neck.

It may be that Nathan Young was never meant to grow old, was always going to leave a beautiful corpse, that his futures only ever hold overdoses, car wrecks, and falls, both accidental and off chairs into knotted sheets. It might even be kinder than the inevitable decline of old age, of the first wrinkle, the first divorce, the first loop of his own journey to becoming his father.

This might even be true for Alisha Daniels, although it will take a thousand loops before Simon will stop trying.

It’s definitely true for Curtis Donovan, always a second too late.

And Simon Bellamy accepted his own fate long ago, before the loops even began.

But finding Nathan, eyes unfocused and dim, jaw slack and tongue finally fallen still, is an unexpected cruelty, and he falters.

Brian's dead, the others survive.

This could be it, the optimum timeline, the one where he and Alisha thrive, have 2.4 kids and grow old, are buried next to each other in fifty years; not burned and bled out in abandoned warehouses and under shallow earth before they even reach twenty-two.

He could stay here.

But even as he considers it, he's turning away.

Chapter 5: Alisha

After that loop, Simon avoids Alisha altogether, hoping this is the way to save her. It works for a while - once a whole year.

She and Curtis are engaged. Nikki's transplant didn't take. They bummed around Thailand for a while, blowing the money they got for their powers, before a drunken night they take a wrong turn and fall off a cliff.

Simon shuts his eyes for a long moment. Curtis has fallen backwards, legs raised slightly and arms outstretched, as if he was ready to compete in one final race.

Alisha has fallen...more awkwardly. He strokes her beautiful face, and realises what he has to do.

*

The longest and hardest loop is giving Alisha Nathan's power.

He knows neither Alisha or Nathan have much personal regard for their own safety, so these loops require more planning than any before, ensuring neither of them fall down steps or challenge some dealer twice their size the first day they meet.

Seth appears to have discovered morality once he realizes how set Simon is, and apparently power swaps without consent requires a larger amount than ever before, causing him to have to pull a robbery alone, a year earlier than planned.

He’s leaving Nathan with no power at all, which Simon realises is preferable to Nathan-with-Alisha's-power, but does mean he then needs to devote a larger amount of time than ever in ensuring all five of them survive past the point they need to reach.

Nathan is, at least, unaware that he's missing anything at all, and when Simon feels guilty, he tries to remember how long two weeks feels in a six foot coffin, or how painful a pipe through the stomach must be.

He manages to circumvent the first death neatly, although it’s a risk appearing in front of himself, even silent and hood up. (He’s not too concerned about Nathan’s powers of observation.)

It distracts both however, and in this loop they escape the gang of teenage virgins together.

*

When they confront Rachel, they agree on Nathan taking the lead, in the hope that Simon’s invisibility will give them the element of surprise.

Even with two of them, they’re no more than bluffing and improvising, unaware of how to force Rachel to turn back the others; but Nathan’s naturally unpredictable distraction techniques combined with the frankly lacking health and safety at Wertham Community Centre results in Rachel plummeting below.

Nathan’s about to follow her, but Simon’s close enough to knock him backwards onto the tarmacked roof surface, falling on top of him and knocking the breath from both of them.

Nathan twists up from the strange embrace first, huffing a quiet laugh, unlike his usual cackle.

‘…Thanks, man,’ he says softly, almost sincerely.

Simon struggles for a second to recognise that as an emotion Nathan’s vocal chords are capable of, before his tone switches to his usual sarcasm, and he rasps with mock arousal: ‘Now get off me before you wake the beast, there's a thin line between rescue and dryhumping and you're treading all over it, Barry.'

Chapter 6

Spot which death I left out because I was too lazy to come up with a way out of it!

Death 2

Lucy’s reappearance means saving Curtis at the same time as stopping Nathan getting disembowelled on a pipe. Even for two Simons, it’s a challenge.

Lucy is first to go.

It hurts him to do it, in some ways more than the bigger sacrifices he’s made. Killing Lucy feels like killing some part of himself, small and wounded, the boy Alisha never knew and could never love.

He thinks it’s how he’d have felt if the fire hadn’t gone out the night he set it, if the cat had burned.

He dreams about the unit all that week, but he enjoys it in a strange way. It’s good to know it still hurts, that after all he’s done to fix things, to plan and relive and manipulate, that he’s still capable of honest, old-fashioned regret.

Death 3 and 4

The week of Nathan’s birthday seems particularly inauspicious. A mean part of Simon wonders if that’s karma in action, but a larger part is occupied.

That week, he tries the bathroom trick. The first time this occurred, they were separated by wooden doors and Nathan exited before seeing Simon, powers reversed, but it’s a small matter to alter, and diverts Nathan from Jamie’s car at the point of impact, if not from the painful realisation later.

Occupying Nathan at that point also has the bonus of stopping his and Kelly’s fight before it begins, and while Kelly still doesn’t bestow Nathan’s requested birthday handjob, the smoke alarm Simon disconnects means Nathan doesn’t receive a broken neck falling off a railing.

Death 5 and 6

Nathan seems to have given up on discovering his own power. Simon feels a little guilty, but mostly relieved.

Alisha has survived the last six weeks of their community service with barely a scratch, meanwhile when Nathan was in possession of immortality, he’d died with regularity. It would be cruel to compare, especially with both of them unaware of the trade, but Simon does think it points to some element of natural self-destruction within Nathan, and assuages his own guilt a little over the more painful memories of previous loops.

It clearly stings Nathan a little when they become famous, although without his own posing in the press and arranging television specials like in the first timeline; the group are decidedly more lowkey.

But Nathan is rarely deflated for long, and accompanies them everywhere, cheerfully telling the groupies outside the hotel about his own powers, too dangerous to reveal without permission from the government.

He’s staying in Simon’s room, quick to take advantage and escape his community centre lodgings, claiming himself as manager and promoter and insisting that, if anything, Simon should be paying him to live there.

Simon can’t help but smile, grateful another loop is so easily avoided this time, that another friend’s brain pan, shattered by a bullet, can be avoided, if not forever, then for now.

When Alisha drops by and mentions what his future self said about community service, Simon realises it’s finally working.

He’s kept her safe. He’s free to pursue Brian, knowing he can never touch her.

Daisy’s death and Brian’s disappearance create a ripple effect of news interest which drowns out the ABSO four, who without immortality as their showy A-List power, are pretty much a flash in the pan.

Kelly and Curtis’ powers don’t play well on camera. Simon’s is initially impressive but also entirely capable of by any half decent computer graphics programme, and therefore of limited interest. Alisha’s gains her some unwanted offers from men’s magazines, but is tactfully ignored by most mainstream coverage.

Their dissatisfaction will lead them to Seth, and once Alisha sells her first power, she’ll be protected forever, able to touch him, to love him, to help him become the man she deserves.

Chapter 7: big reveal *jazz hands*

I'm pretty sure timewise, this doesn't check out at all, there's probably about nine Superhoodies too many, and I definitely fucked around with the Xmas episode (plus made it super maudlin), but hey, I learned it from watching you, Dad Howard Overman!

*

Simon's not a genius, but he knows he's a better thinker than his friends. He's not sure how he didn't see this coming.

He’s aware of his own potential, that he becomes a hero, that he masters parkour and cycling and works out regularly, lives in a flat with his beautiful girlfriend, and lives a life he could only have dreamed of in the unit.

He’s aware that it’s him who saves his friends, that he can save them all, still.

No one can attempt to master life and death and remain humble and self-effacing, but the fact is, Simon never considered the idea of someone falling in love with him without being forced.

Lucy loved the brokenness in him that reflected herself, and tried to destroy him to preserve it.

Julia gave him confidence, made him believe he could be noticed, but it would be a stretch on either of their sides to consider it love as much as two lonely souls reassuring themselves.

Alisha is his soulmate, and he had to destroy himself in order for her to love him.

Magical tattoos and drug induced power reversals aside, if he’s touched by someone, kissed, admired, even, it’s because of endless machinations, of making it happen.

It never occurred to him as he endlessly plots to get Alisha, save her and lose her and do it all again, that anyone else would or even could be affected.

It still doesn’t click until he’s sitting across from Nathan, who’s dressed in a Santa suit, wasted, and has just told Simon that he thinks he’s in love with him.

*

They've been doing shots, Simon joining in for once, a little high on adrenaline, blood loss, his new relationship with Alisha, and Nathan's envy.

If Nathan, always taking the piss, can recognise how much he's changed, it solidifies it. He's finally becoming the man he has.

Nathan and Alisha are sniping at each other, as usual.

Simon thinks maybe Nathan's bothered that someone as beautiful as Alisha is with him, but Nathan hardly struggles with women, despite his personality, so maybe it's just general envy. Nathan does tend towards pessimism when it comes to counting himself lucky.

At present, he seems wound-up and excited, necking drinks and needling Nikki, playing the clown, and Simon can't help but smile hopelessly.

He probably has more tolerance for Nathan's behaviour than the others combined, but he can't help it.

He's always had a soft spot for Nathan, like Alisha, both so beautiful, charming and crude; it seemed to indicate some kind of depth of character even when they initially seemed so cruel and thoughtless.

Simon has never demanded much from others, acceptance of his presence aside, and he’s self-aware to recognise that he can tolerate a lot of insults spitting from the curve of plump, red lips, that he’s a sucker for a pretty face.

Matt taught him that before his first day of community service ever began.

When he told Alisha beauty shields, he meant it. If he'd based his feelings on morality, he'd be best friends with Curtis, in love with Kelly.

He can see Curtis pressing his lips together as Nathan leers at Nikki, demands more drinks; and decides to intervene, dragging Nathan outside by his collar, holding his packet of cigarettes like a stick for a dog.

'Wait, Simon, I've got to talk to you-' Alisha interjects, but he knows when Nathan's like this, he'll blare over any serious conversation, and motions to Alisha for five minutes.

Nathan goes along, pliantly for him, and staggers onto a bench. He's more drunk than Simon thought, which is a considerable amount, considering how he badly he behaves when sober, and how frequently he drinks.

Simon passes him the fags, about to head back in and grab him some water, when Nathan catches his sleeve and comes out with it.

*

At first Simon thinks it’s one of Nathan’s jokes. Since they’ve known each other, Nathan has delighted in getting under his skin, in running hot and cold in an effort to throw him off balance, to get a reaction.

'You're not in love with me,' Simon says, patiently, but with a bare hint of irritation.

There's so much to be done, to finish, he really doesn't have time for one of Nathan's stupid tricks right now.

But Nathan, despite his glazed eyes, looks oddly serious. 'I am, you don’t know how long I've wanted to be with you.'

'That was the tattoo,' he reminds Nathan, gently.

'Before that. When we fucked in the club, and...you know, when we met.'

Oh, fuck.

Simon's tried desperately, to alter events, emotions, lives, but still preserving causality.

It hits home to him now how stupid this was.

'That was my power reversing. You couldn't help it.'

His mind races, trying to work out what he's done to Nathan.

He can justify the club; it would be crueller for Nathan to witness Jamie's bloody death.

It might even have been kinder, the clean break, no goodbye, no torturous scenes for Nathan and his father.

And Alisha was protected, with Curtis, temporarily mortal but far from the fire, blissfully unaware of ghosts.

He couldn't avoid the tattoos playing out; he needed to become a hero, to take that first step to save the others.

While Alisha was with his future self, cocooned and blissful, he'd felt relatively relaxed; knowing Vince rarely strikes out at Nathan in this loop, smug that he and Kelly are too love-addled to even follow events, let alone make a threat.

He thinks perhaps he may have been gentler with his rejections – aware of the future, he wasn't as panicked, at being touched, of being made fun of.

He didn't have the stomach for the storming out, for hurting his feelings further, even temporarily, after what he's taken from Nathan.

And it only encouraged him, to be honest. Nathan loves a scene.

This time he'd relied more on excuses, on evasions and avoidance, sticking to Kelly's side like a limpet.

He doesn't know whether the tattoo itself causes Nathan's conviction that Simon feels the same, or whether it's just Nathan's natural arrogance, but he put him off, mostly successfully, minus some oversharing:

('Urgh, I'm starving, I skipped lunch.'

'Oh...do you want me to go to the vending machine?'

'Such a gentleman! Nah, I'm on a cleanse. In case we...you know, do it later.'

'...Oh, Jesus!’)

All this effort in fixing time removed any illusions he had about himself, past and future, watching himself smirk, needling Curtis after Alisha used her power on him.

Watching himself smelling the girls' skin.

Filming Sally.

Touching Kelly.

As such, he can't deny that a part of him, and not a small one, enjoyed Nathan making a fool of himself, throwing himself at him, creaming over his every word.

He put up with a lot from Nathan, even more through this loop, and he feels like he's earned a little temporary adoration, some appreciation for what he's done, even though Nathan has no idea.

But he never took it seriously. Once the tattoos were removed, Nathan's overcompensation with the mannequin and pursuit of Kelly, albeit unsuccessfully, suggested no permanent ill-effects.

Simon suspects this is just envy talking.

He avoided Jessica altogether, the risk of her father was too large, and causality only dictated that he'd lost his virginity before Alisha, which had turned out to be true, if the bathroom hook-up qualified.

But he remembered Nathan's jealousy the first time around, thinking Simon had a lovely girlfriend, his quickness to remind Simon how not-beautiful he is, and feels a sense of relief. This isn't real.

It's just Nathan is perhaps lonely, maybe even finally growing up, seeing the benefits of a relationship, a home.

He's learnt from Nathan over their service, he can admit that. He likes the guy despite himself, he always did. Maybe he's rubbed off on Nathan, too.

'You're just drunk. You'll meet a girl...' He says, thinking of Marnie. The baby. Vegas.

Their party wall constantly interrupted with Nathan Jr.'s screams, his parent's loud shagging, or simply bellowed instructions: 'Barry, man, I'm in the afterglow, can you grab us a coke? Marnie's up for a four-way later, but you'll need to steer clear of the stitches!'

Alisha thumps on the wall in revulsion, in tandem with Marnie loudly hitting Nathan.

'Come on Alisha, don't tell me you've never been with a girl, my fantasies say otherwise!'

Alisha's rolling her eyes and threatening to book into another hotel, but catching her softening as she held the baby or giggled with Marnie. ('She's not my mate or anything! He's not even my friend, and she's like him in stereo, plus Welsh. I just...look, you try ignoring someone once you've mopped their face while a baby's ripping their twat open!')

He comes back to himself, to the present.

'It's not about a girl, man. I've been with guys; this isn't some...gay crisis.'

'You just felt that because Vince made you. You’re straight.'

'Would you listen to me? Jesus. I fucked a guy on the estate at a party three days ago, I promise you, you don't need to worry about my fragile anal virginity.'

Simon winces a little at the stark reminder. He'd always been more comfortable ignoring this side of Nathan, aware that they shared a certain...strangeness in their predilections, that Nathan had his number from the start with all the 'pervert' jabs.

He knows Nathan's fascinated with the stuff he comes out with under Alisha's power, but it embarrasses him. Maybe it is who he is, but it shouldn't be. Not to the girl he loves.

And he always suspected Nathan wasn't particularly committed to one gender. His jibes to Simon aside, the way he spoke to other guys, Curtis, Vince, even the parole workers, was as provocative and sexual as the stuff he said to Alisha and Kelly. Maybe more so.

And he can't imagine Nathan's cheerful hedonism allowing him to reject any willing partner.

'So you want to...fuck me?' He can't help but stutter a little on the word. Even now.

'Absolutely, you offering?' He slurs, winking. Seeing Simon's face, he reacts, a little delayed.

'No, it's not about that! I want to fuck pretty much everyone, you're different. I like you, and....there's no explaining that.'

He intakes a little hiccupy giggle.

'You always had my back, Barry. You saved me on that roof, you...protected us from that probation worker' –

He waves his hand as a prompt and Simon can't help but respond: 'Sally?'

'Her! You were always ready to help me, even when I was mean to you. Look, I've wanted you a while.'

Even barely sitting up straight, Nathan looks embarrassed to be admitting an emotion rather than a sexual urge, and quickly diverts.

'Obviously you want me.'

Simon doesn't argue the point. It would be a lie, anyway.

Nathan heads on to safer grounds, of the obscene.

'Is it my come face? I've heard...varying reports. Or my cock? 'Cause the STD's all gone, I was gonna tell you this in the hotel. ...Well, get you drunk first, but then Alisha came in.'

'I'm...with Alisha. You know that.'

Simon plans to keep it to that, short, the less he tangles with this loop the better, but he feels words rising up like vomit in his throat.

'She loves me. And I love her. You don't love me; I made you feel this way.'

Nathan tries to interject, but Simon can't stop.

'I killed people. It wasn't some big heroic gesture, I enjoyed it. I planned it, I decided it. I manipulated you, all of you. I stood there, and I let people die, let Jamie die.'

Nathan's silent, a rare occurrence in any timeline.

'I was the guy in the mask, and I made her want me, made her think I was the only one who'd ever touch her. You think you love me, that I've been looking after you out of the goodness of my heart? You're supposed to have a power. You were supposed to be immortal! You died, over and over, and all I did was fuck up and let you fall, let her die, and you left.'

Simon breathes.

Nathan's mouth is forming shapes, not even words, but he doesn't look like he can speak.

Simon's genuinely worried; there have been universes where he's killed Nathan without this reaction.

'You left, you were supposed to be safe. But she died, and I couldn't stay there. Not alone. I went back, and I took your power. Alisha has it. She's immortal.'

Simon shoves himself up from the bench. He feels like he's used all his words, an allotment run out.

He leaves Nathan gawping, staggers as if it's him that's drunk, one destination in mind.

Seth's.

Chapter 8: empty the till

'I need to buy a power.' He says, the words tripping over themselves, although he usually tries a stoic approach with Seth.

Nathan and Alisha were always quick to tap into weakness, and he recognises the trait in Seth, remembers him gouging them for profits, selling the lust power to Elliott.

He's sure Seth, a practical man, will understand what he has to do.

'No can do, mate.' Seth answers.

Despite Simon's tone, he's barely turned around.

Something's wrong.

'I need it! There's a girl, and -'

'Isn’t there always? I'm a romantic myself, I sympathize. But I'm afraid my services are no longer available.'

'What are you talking about? You sold me the immortality!'

'Yeah. How's that working, by the way?'

'I've protected her, she didn't die, and she loves me -'

'She sure does. Little, pretty, curls? She was in here this morning. Selling 'lust'.'

Simon feels for a chair blindly.

'I wouldn't sit down, you won't be staying. It's not in my line of business to worry too much about motivations. To quote Shawshank, I'm a man who knows how to get things, what you do with them is on you. But for the sake of safety, I do employ ….security.'

He whistles, and a small man comes out. The one Simon remembers throwing Nathan, as if he were the Hulk.

'My friend here has a number of skills. One of those is strength, but the other resembles one I believe your pretty friend with the big mouth possesses.'

Simon blinks, confused, before realising. Kelly.

'He reads minds. Now, yours is very interesting. I've met time travellers, Nazis, pirates, and human tortoises, but according to my friend, your mind puts all of them to shame. You've been looping in time.'

'I had to save her!'

'Did you have to tell her its manifest destiny for you two to fuck, or was that optional?'

'You're the one selling powers to anyone!' Simon manages.

'You killed people, including two with extremely valuable powers. Shapeshifting is a big ticket item, and a lactokinetic can pretty much rule the world. And you were coming here, to buy immunity. And kill me.'

'I just wanted her to be safe! If they sell their powers, I can't go back anymore.'

'Well, maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but selling to a psycho isn't part of my job description. Hope you've set all your chess pieces in a row, fucked all your friends...'

Simon blushes a dull red.

'Yeah, I've heard about that, I told you, your mind makes for fascinating reading.
Now, the time power is gone. I bought it from your tall mate, the same time I got your lovely girlfriend in here. I don't normally have to headhunt, but I made an exception for such a...high profile group. And don't get any ideas about stealing it and going back to before we have this conversation. I put it in my iguana, for safekeeping. Then I fed him to my ex.
I suggest you enjoy being able to touch your girlfriend. Maybe go travelling. If I see you around here again, things might not go well. There's an environmental monitoring station locally the police might get a sudden urge to visit.'

*

Simon walks, before breaking into a run, back the way he came.

He bursts into the pub through the back entrance, to Alisha's pleased face, beautiful and completely incongruous. 'I didn't get a chance to tell you, earlier, I sold my p-'

She cuts off, as swiftly as a rope around her neck (not that one again, please) at the sight of the gunman, twitching nervously, standing in the frame of the front door.

'Give me your money', the gunman says, sounding almost as scared as them.

'Listen, mate, there's no need for this', Curtis says with eerie calm.

'Look, I'll open the till; you can have all that and be out of here. There's a lot of police on this estate, you don't want to get banged up.'

'All of you, where I can see you. Take out your wallets.'

Simon, Alisha, Nikki, Kelly and Simon edge towards the lounge area, hands splayed out.

Kelly and Nikki look mutinous, to be frank, but Simon can't see a way to get the upper hand, not against a gun, and Curtis seems to agree, catching his eye and shaking his head slightly.

Alisha looks terrified. Clearly Seth didn't tell her about the immortality.

The gunman approaches, hand shaking as he takes their wallets, the other with the gun wavering dangerously.

'Look, no sudden moves, I just need to get him cash-'

'No problem, we got cash, it's all good', Curtis tries, conciliatory.

'Why don't you put the gun down? You can't give him anything if you're banged up. We'll hand it all over, and you can give it to him.'

The gunman looks pathetically grateful, lowers the weapon an inch.

'It's for a good cause' he manages, when the toilet door slams open.

Nathan.

Simon shuts his eyes, stomach lurching. He always thought it was a bad novel term, but he can literally feel his knees weaken.

He'd thought Nathan would have left, gone back to the community centre to lick his Simon-inflicted wounds. Maybe meet Marnie, or just pass out on his mattress, safe and unconscious.

Stupidly, he gawps outside at the Santa jacket still outside. He would literally have passed it on his way in, and still it didn't click.

It feels like time has stopped, and his limbs are heavy, weighted, but even as he moves forward, to push the gun out of the way, whether it means the bullet hits Kelly, or Nikki again, or even Curtis, who has less than six months left himself, shouting to Nathan 'get down', it's already too late.

Chapter 9: happily ever after

Three months later.

He and Alisha have decided to stay out in Vegas, for the time being.

He can't get used to thinking of her as safe, and if he can't change the past anymore, at least he can learn from it.

When Curtis, Kelly and Nikki text that they've got six more weeks community service, he wonders about warning them, about the medium.

Lola.

Seth.

The long-term health risks of carcinogenic chemicals in cigarettes.

Instead, he just blocks their numbers quietly from Alisha's phone and his own.

Alisha will probably be upset when she finds out, but the upside of having an immortal girlfriend is an inbuilt difficulty to maintain grudges.

The issue of immortality never really came up when Nathan was alive. The first times he was alive.

He dismissed all their concerns, and was so expert at being thoughtless that they all followed suit.

They never worried about the future, about whether he'd stay young, an eternal Peter Pan, while they all died around him, or worse, whether he'd age and wither, trapped in forever.

Alisha, used to a power which resembled a curse as much as a gift, didn't react quite so blithely the first time she died.

They talked about kids.

Alisha rejected the idea, until they're sure that she won't be burdening them with her eternal care, or worse, that she won't watch them grow up, marry, get wrinkles and middle-aged spread, while she stays young and beautiful, a grotesque grandmother figure.

They also talked about breaking up.

He feels guilty, although he also feels flashes of spite at her.

For manipulating him, lying to him, even if it wasn't this time, this turn.

For not loving him as he was, for making him do all of this.

For being, underneath the beauty and the damage, and after all the death and pain, so utterly ordinary, a normal girl, wanting not heroism and drama and sacrifice, but simply a normal boyfriend and a normal life.

For doing anything to get what she wanted, just like him.

When she's angry, she spits at him once that he thinks he can do anything he wants, then her face twists up and she bursts into tears.

He approaches, quietly.

'Sorry...it's not about you. I mean...it is, but...Curtis said something to me once. That I thought I could make people want me. That it didn't matter if they wanted to or not.'

He doesn't think he or Alisha ever learnt that lesson.

No one ever had the heart to teach Alisha, even Curtis, and it's far too late for Simon to regret any of his choices, to ask for more than the power, the beautiful girlfriend, the Vegas flat funded by invisible robberies, to want the love to be a choice, not an ultimatum.

They have their happily ever after. Alisha's literally.

Simon's good at this stuff, he never needed the others to help him plan, he can come up with a way out.

If all else fails, there's ecstasy, but he's careful never to mention this to Alisha.

He doesn't want that to be an option for her.

He also doesn't want her to see Nathan.

As far as she, or anyone else knows, she was always immortal.

Nathan was just...unlucky.

He was probably never meant for a long life, grandchildren and a white beard and stick.

Was probably always going to burn out early, leaving a memory all the brighter because it was short-lived.

That's the only reason Simon keeps thinking about him now, poking the memory like a tooth, testing it for wobbles.

He definitely was never serious, Simon's sure of that now.

Drunk, absolutely.

Lonely, almost certainly.

Horny, permanently.

But in love?

That part was a prank, a faked seizure, a leap out of a coffin, sincere eyes and a breathed 'You're invisible!' before the coke can strikes his head.

Simon's not sure anyone could love him, to be honest.

He and Alisha can touch now.

It's not what it was, yet.

He's not great. Still finds himself stuck in his head too long, wondering.

Is this how he did it? Did she love him more? Did he love her more? Would he have been happy, here, now?

It will get better. It has to. Practice makes perfect, and with enough practice, they'll love each other like they were supposed to, he knows it.

In the meantime, they stay.

Alisha's not worried about sunburn anymore, about wrinkles or getting fat, of her beauty fading.

She splashes by the pool, blowing kisses to Simon, lurking palely in the shade.

He smiles, catches one, squinting at the security schedule for a nearby casino. He pays their rent online for another month, and then logs in from an anonymous account.

It takes him a while to track down a girl based only on her first name and an accent, but he was always good at following people.

He sends Marnie the takings from Caesar’s Palace’s craps table from the last month.

He thinks he owes Nathan that, at least.